"I hear you, I hear you”
We’ve all said it: “I hear you.”
It’s a common response when we’re trying to show we’re listening. But more often than not, it’s quickly followed by a “but…”—and that tiny word can completely change the direction of a conversation.
Let’s look at how this plays out.
Partner 1: Hey, I felt disappointed that you said you were going to cook dinner tonight and ended up staying late at work without letting me know.
Partner 2: I totally hear you, but I have a lot on my plate at work and had to finish that project before I left. I knew we had leftovers from last night, so I didn’t think it was a big deal.
More than likely, an argument ensues about dinner duties, workloads, or feeling unappreciated. Partner 1 leaves the exchange feeling dismissed after being vulnerable. Partner 2 maybe feels embarrassed or even disappointed in themselves for letting their partner down but struggles to tell Partner 1.
Now, let’s imagine a different conversation:
Partner 1: Hey, I know you have a lot on your plate at work, but I felt disappointed that you said you were going to cook dinner tonight and then stayed late without letting me know.
Partner 2: Oh my gosh, I completely forgot I said I would cook tonight. You’ve cooked every day this week so I could focus on this project, and I really appreciate you showing up like that for me. I know you were looking forward to having a break today. I totally dropped the ball. I’ll set an alarm on my phone after we’re done talking so I leave on time tomorrow, and I’m going to make you the yummiest dinner!
Here, Partner 1 is actually being understood and validated. Their words and experience are reflected back to them. Partner 2 takes responsibility and makes a concrete plan to follow through next time. They are able to leave their conversation feeling more connected rather than disconnected and have built trust for the next time either one needs to express hurt feelings.
What skills are being used here?
- Partner 1 is using feelings words (disappointed) to describe how they are feeling after an action from Partner 2 (forgetting to make dinner).
- Partner 2 manages any of their own defensiveness or disappointment in themselves and takes accountability for their action.
- Partner 2 makes a plan on how to do it different next time which allows trust to be built.
At the heart of every thriving relationship is the ability to stay connected even through small moments of disappointment or miscommunication. When we shift from defensiveness to empathy, we create space for understanding, growth, and genuine partnership. Small changes in how we respond can have a powerful ripple effect—turning potential conflict into deeper connection.
